...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
