my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
