I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
