dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
