Will you blow on my dice?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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