Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
