I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize