We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
