I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think a kid would responsible me up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize