U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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