I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
