not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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