What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize