dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
