I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
