dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
