I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
