I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
