People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
