dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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