people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
