three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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