i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
