i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
