sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
