Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
