____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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