u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think people are normalizing furries
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
