Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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