Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You made out with two different species that night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
