I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
