Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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