I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
