I murdered the dance floor call the cops
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
