im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
