I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
