there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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