Pappa wants mamma naked
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
