Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
