I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
