I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
