I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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