On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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