12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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