I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Randomize
