The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
