I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
