You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
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