New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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