well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dick very happy bro
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
