All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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