I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
