Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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