i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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