mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We left the knife in your bed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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