apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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