I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
