oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
