pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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