its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
