This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
