Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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